Dear Ju Ly,

Hi Ju Lyyyyy. Everytime I say your name out loud, I stretch it out into Ju Lyyyyy. And Miss Ju Ly to Missssss Ju Lyyyyy. We've been getting a lot spring snow in Seoul. It's cozy and balmy during the day, then it rains. And at night, the rain turns to snow. I just steeped some tea using a tea set I bought a while back. I also hung a bird mobile similar to the one I gave you next to the lamp on my desk. When I turn my body, the mobile spins ever so gently.

When I was around five, my family was driving back after spending the New Year at my maternal grandmother's place in Jeonnam. My family and my aunt's family were traveling together in a minivan back to Seoul. Deep night set in, and besides my father, who was driving, everyone had fallen asleep. Everyone except for me, that is. I sat in the last row by the passenger-side window. I’d get scared then comfort myself again and again. I kept on wondering, what if, as my family wove through the dark and desolate mountain roads at night, all of a sudden a tiger appeared to gobble us up? (When I was little, I really did worry about this happening whenever I rode in a car through a mountain. A lot.) Out the window, dark trees spread out and passed by swiftly in diagonal lines, and after gazing at this scenery for ages, I thought, Why do we live? And in that moment, I had the feeling of having no one besides me riding in a car hurtling through the night roads of a mountain forever with me as the sole passenger. Living seemed dark and unknowable like the night forest I saw out the window. That I was alone and would be alone. That it was already like this. I couldn't understand it, but I felt it. When we arrived home, I opened the car door, and when my feet touched the ground, I felt like I was floating on air. And the disheveled faces of my family members looked so unfamiliar.

During my school days, I liked sitting by the window, way up in the front. That was the best spot for looking out the window without the teacher noticing. Outside the classroom window, I could sometimes see kids chasing after a ball in pools of sunlight or chatting while sitting around the edges of the school yard. Through the open window, laughter and the smell of dirt wafted in. Gazing at the lively sights, I pondered again, Why do we live? For what purpose do I live and sit here? Of course, my thoughts soon returned to the everyday. I gripped my pencil to solve the math problems in front of me, but I couldn’t erase the feeling that I was riding alone in a car on a never-ending mountain road through a never-ending night. Even in the middle of summer, I felt a chill wash over my body.

From asking why, I ventured further as I got older. Once, I was traveling by train for four days. In the train car that rumbled throughout with the stale smell, the beds were laid out facing each other in three segments. The family across from me shared one bed together with sometimes two or three sleeping in the bed at the same time. There was barely room to walk down the corridors crammed with luggage. In such cramped, inadequate amenities, not having washed or eaten properly for days, I fell under a deep spell of sleepiness. Night or day, I was drunk on sleep. And then suddenly, my head cleared, and I went out to the gangway between the train cars to smoke a cigarette when I saw before me a strange landscape, likely the first and last of its kind in my life. Below the long horizon, trees and flowers grew, scattered perfectly apart, to each their own, and in the middle of the greenery, a small path was laid out. What I saw was so bewitchingly beautiful that I almost got off the train then and there. I don't believe in any gods, but it felt like at the end of that path you might find heaven. Soon, the train sped by, the sad question returned, and I felt the familiar chill.

Speaking of, I’m actually feeling under the weather right now. I've been writing in a daze, and now this feels like a collection of stories that all end with She grew cold alone instead of And the two lived happily ever after! Depressing, right? I'm sorry. That loneliness I’d felt in those dark woods from my childhood, many years later, I realized that was close to the truth and that I liked that realization. I wanted to share that with you. That in spite of all the beauty in the world, darkness collects in our lives. There's no particular reason to live really, and this fact gives me clarity whenever I get lost in confusion.

Ju Ly, we all know this, and yet, we still love. Love is truly remarkable. A few days ago, I ate some bungeoppang I bought while thinking of you, Ju Ly. That is, I visited the bungeoppang stand because I had thought of you. I only got the kind with red bean paste, but if you come visit me, I'll also get the ones with choux cream. I took some medicine, so my fever’s going down. I think I'll be too embarrassed to send this letter when I'm feeling clear-headed, so I'll stop while I'm still a bit groggy. Please forgive and read through my ramblings.

To Ju Ly whose name I want to stretch out as Ju Lyyyyy.

Yours,
Kyeonghwa