a kind of love song from afar
I don’t want to get married because I don’t think I want to be like you
You spoiled your child, you know, and by that same token
You ruined his life
And your life
No one will understand you
How and why did you do this to me?
I never asked, nor wanted
(No,
That would a fuckin’ lie
This is our conspiracy)
Your love made me weaker
I shed tears every day, thinking of you
You should stop crying, too, because,
No one will appreciate that
I don’t
In a sense,
I came all the way here,
To abandon you
I like living alone, said I
And I said things I meant, I didn’t mean, and I had never imagined I wanted to say
You look sad
It’s the way I am now, umma,
I’m not saying it’s all your doing
I won’t deny I did this to myself, recently, but,
Well, listen to what all those packs of psychoanalysts were saying for decades
I’m a Freudian son, nothing less, nothing more
Is it so tragic? to say in this way? comical?
What do you think?
I stage a show
Director: me
Producer: me
Actor: me
There is no actress by the way (I won’t dare pretend)
Ghastly masculine soliloquy is what that is
(Maybe
I could use some light, though,
Where is the light?)
Candid self revelation is never possible
On that stage
I breathe out my narcissism
It smells
How have we come to this?
I’m afraid,
Of losing you, umma
Abandoning and losing are quite different things
You understand
***
You are now my baby,
I need to guide you through the airport
You don’t belong here, ma
You don’t belong to my world
You don’t speak my tongue
You look totally different from all these people
A complete stranger
How strange
Where are we going with all this?
Will I be losing you
In seven years?
Will you forgive me then?
Will I forgive myself then?
Is then too late?
***
When you heard my first, clear vowels,
What did you feel?
How was it like?
I don’t have them in me now, and
I have no courage to regress
Will I be hearing your vowels in the end?
What would I feel? if I have to hear them?
But I want to hear them
Be my baby,
If there is no cradle fit for you,
I’ll be one
It’ll never be comfy
It defies definition
But no matter
I’ll be there
This is my love song
For you
