Dear Ninja Turtle July,

It is November now. Singapore is starting to get rainy again.

I loved hearing about the hilarious game you invented. It’s such a precious memory. Thank you for sharing that with me. Did you ever ask your brother or your mother if they remember it too? I wish I could recall the little games I made up. I can hardly remember any of them now.  

Like you, the ten-year-old Phoebe was too busy trying not to be a kid. I remember I refused to take naps in the afternoon and insisted on staying awake late into the night. I was so frustrated that I could not make my own decisions. I didn’t understand why things like going to bed early were so important. Or things like scoring an A, or wearing a dress. Don’t get me wrong, the right to nap anywhere, anytime sounds like a dream come true but I wouldn’t trade that with never having to wear a dress again in my life.

Between ten and thirty, I guess I grew up and got to make my own decisions. Some years ago, I asked my mother if she was disappointed that I don’t plan to have any children of my own. Even though my mind was made up, I was still nervous that my decision might upset her. I think many daughters carry an anxiety about the way we have chosen to live our lives, afraid that our choices might upset our mothers. That we might gravely disappoint them if we don’t wear our hair in this specific way, or take that great job offer, or marry that one perfect person—as though there was such a thing! But we forget that mothers were once daughters themselves.

After my question, my mother paused for a moment and said, “No.” Her reply was calm and certain. It was not what I had expected at all.I have known all my life that she loves children dearly. She must have sensed my surprise because she then said, “Life is so difficult. Why bring more people into it?” I suppose some people might think that she has a harsh way of looking at life. But when I heard that, I felt like she understood me. I think my mother and I started to talk a little bit more like friends after that day.

Do you ever talk to your mother about the future? I wonder what she sees.

Your friend,

Phoebe

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