To: Ju Ly

Hi, Ju Ly! The start of the semester must be super busy for you.

With September here, it’s already getting chilly in the mornings and evenings. You always need to be extra careful when the weather’s in transition like this. Here’s the thing about fall: you get hyped. Now that I think about it, fall isn’t the only season that stirs something in people. The changing of the seasons somehow puts people in a good mood. The flux in daylight hours likely impacts your hormones too.

Yesterday, I went on something like a date for the first time in a while. Being bi, whenever I meet straight men, I’m jolted into awareness. They make my positionality so clear to me. Every time I learn that our queer existence doesn’t even register in my straight friends’ conception of the world, I can’t help but be amazed anew each time. Yesterday was like that. The date was fine, but lately, I can’t see myself getting into relationships where I have to explain myself so much. Maybe I’d feel differently if I had more patience. Unlike everyone else around me, he had money, so it felt like I was just interviewing him about what being rich was like.

In a weird mood on my way home, I listened to a stream by Ibanjiha (love you!!) who was talking about some queer stuff. In the stream, Ibanjiha spoke the truth again about how the more worlds you live in, the more you realize the absurdities of each world. I found solace in their words as someone who also moves between different worlds. The absurdities of straightness and gayness, the disillusionment with wealth and self-employment, and so on. I'm not straight or gay, not rich or self-employed. But because I have something in common with each group, there are moments when I feel like I get it. Anyway, I thought I shouldn't let the weather trick me into falling into a relationship, so I just came back home.

Two weeks ago, I sprained my ankle and had to get a cast. I’ve injured my ankle three or four times before, and I usually rush through treatment and move on. But this time, my ankle went out while I was swimming. Can you believe it? When I got X-rays at the hospital, they told me that because my ankle injuries never healed properly, there were bone fragments left over, and the ligaments were barely holding together. They gave me DNA injections to help heal the ligament tissue, and I even received shock wave therapy. Have you ever gotten shock wave therapy before, Ju Ly? I take back all my previous brags about having high pain tolerance. Shock wave therapy is shockingly painful. If you receive the treatment lying down, it hurts so much that you flop your whole body around like a fish out of water. They said I would need to get surgery if my ankle condition worsens, so this time, I’m putting more effort into the rehab exercises. The exercises don’t seem like much, but they’re critical. It took getting to this sorry state for me to realize that finally. A lot of things in life are like that. Lately, I keep thinking, “Oh… that’s what’s actually important.” Ju Ly, what are the things that you think matter lately? Everyone wants to know what they should care about. I’m no exception. But why do people think that important things are so important?

A few days ago, I went to a writing workshop. I haven’t been going to that kind of thing recently, but I was curious how people who didn’t know me would read my work. That sounded like a rare opportunity, so I registered right away. We each had to pick a piece from a particular art exhibit and write a commentary. Setting a timer and instantly focusing on writing a short piece together was fun. The exercise made me appreciate deadlines. For someone like me, deadlines are critical. I burn brighter when I’m under pressure. On the one hand, I wondered when I had last exchanged my work with others and had a passionate discussion about the writing. Of course, if I genuinely like something, I’ll say so, but there are also times I’ll say that I liked something because I didn’t want to think about it too much. It’s not that I miss the three-hour fights my friends and I waged over a single sentence while editing the school magazine in college. Still, I wonder if I’ll ever feel that same level of passion again.

I had a dream about Água Viva last night. No, it wasn’t Lispector’s book Água Viva or even Lispector’s face. An empty computer monitor displayed the letters ÁGUA VIVA in a big, bold font. I did pick up the book Água Viva recently. In the editor’s commentary for the Korean edition, I read that while a literal translation of the title would be “living water,” in general, it refers to jellyfish. And the commentary mentions that neither of these things have bones. Without any bones, it’s easy to stick to everything. For a recent author bio, I wrote, “I try to stay open.” I think that’s the attitude I’m looking for right now. Everyone lives in their own way. They seize and perceive according to where they’re coming from. I want to be fully open to experiencing things differently from how I’ve experienced them up until now.

Ju Ly, we’ve exchanged a few letters this year, and now it feels like the whole year has passed by. Can you believe that it’s almost been a year since I visited you in the States? I want to visit again and hit up the list of delicious spots you’ve collected since then. But since you’ll probably visit Korea first, we can do all the things you’ve been waiting to do then.

Let’s see each other again soon after the leaves have fallen.

From Boyoung